Okay a year ago, but not exactly, I told myself that I would be more productive than ever. I mean I am going to be someone my dad would be proud of but instead look at me, I just sit in front of this laptop watching whatever there is to be watched. Oh good God what would happen to my future if I am always like this. My family always asks me when will I start finding a job. Well, to be honest, I don't know. I have no idea on what I wanna do with my life. It turns out that I'm such a loser. I'm not a good businesswoman, I think I don't have a sense in business that's why. And also I'm not good with people I guess. I always liked to be alone. And I hate being interviewed, it always gives me a panic attack. Well that sums it all up. I'm afraid to fail so instead of doing it, I always end up not doing it. God, what's wrong with. I don't have money. I always depend on my dad. Good God I don't even have a boyfriend. And yeah I don't consider myself as attractive as other ladies out there.
I don't know what I am doing with my life. I wanted to be successful. I want to have a stable job, stable life and a pretty fun relationship but how? I have no idea because I am always stuck at home or I am stuck with my 11-year old cousin who doesn't know how to be mature (of course he's still a kid I get it) and he's bookish (I hate it)! Sometimes I'm thinking, maybe I am meant to be alone. Like my aunt, oh well that's life. But I really wish that someday I will find someone who will love me for who I am. And I hope that someday I will finally realize that I need to move forward so that I can pursue whatever it is that my dreams are, coz honestly I don't even know yet. maybe that's why I'm stuck at home.
By the way, I am a graduate of HRIM - major in Tourism. I think I felt stupid now. I should've listened to my mum or dad. I should've taken nursing or other management or business course but like I said I'm stupid. I took my course just because I wanted to go to Paris, France. What an excuse? I know its not really an excuse but now I know better. If only I knew that before. I cannot believe that after all the money that my dad spent I'm still clueless on what I wanna do. I didn't even make an effort to find a job or apply for one. Well actually I tried but after they rejected me, I don't know it just breaks my heart knowing that I'm not good enough. That I cannot please someone, I cannot prove that I am good, hardworking and I can learn. I guess I'm not who I thought I am. When I was young I know I am confident but then I grew up, I became shy and it gets worse, now I'm a loner. It sucks coz I don't see any future for me.
Okay this is enough. I hope that one day when I look back I would prove everyone especially myself that I made things happen but for now, hah I wish!
Love,
Danica
