Its been a while since I last posted or write anything in here. Supposedly I'll write a review or whatever I think of about a book I have read but can't keep track anymore. Deleted some of the ebooks that I've read. So anyway that's not the reason why I'm back. Honestly I don't know what to write. This is frustrating but sooner or later maybe I can write a bit more um sensible stuff. Wait what? But for now I'll just put these words that pops up to mind even if it doesn't make any sense.
I have decided to make this blog my journal but I don't really put up anything to it. Way to go Dan. But seriously though its hard to put up words to everything, right? Its like those feelings and everything you want to say became nothing when you're about to say it out loud. Same as to writing I guess. When I started this entry, I'm pretty sure this would be a personal one but look where it got me. Hahaha nothing! Baby steps, as what I always say to my friends whenever they're telling me they think they can't. But why can't I apply it to myself. Look at me, already 23 but still I don't have a job, its like I'm a lost cause. I don't think I'm being totally honest with myself here. Am I really that lazy to go get or job? As per what I always told other people but there's more to that, that I cannot even admit to myself and my dad. Well, he's the only one I got. Yes I have tons of friends but I don't think I matter to them. Its like I just exist whenever they need me or something. I don't even know, it doesn't make sense at all to me. But maybe for now I'll just let myself be alone just like I did before I met these kids whom I consider my closest friends now. I'm being melodramatic now, I guess. But seriously though its like now we are growing apart. And also I feel like I'm distancing myself to them. I really don't get it. I think I need to start over with my life.
After writing those stuff above I don't know what's next. I think I'm being crazy right now. I know no one's goin to read this anyway but I'm still gonna continue this. From now on instead of talking to whoever about whatever it is that's bothering me or anything that doesn't make any sense I'll just write it up in here, that's why I created this blog anyway. Maybe in this way I will feel better. Maybe I won't feel like I'm always alone or something.
So come to my next thingy, I don't know if I'm going to end up married to someone I'm in love with head over heels or will end up alone like my uncle. But I don't want that its like end of the world. I don't know anything about a relationship or even how to flirt. I don't know how to have time to even text. Its like I'm not up for this but now that I'm contemplating I realized how stupid I've become because I let myself be stuck at home with my tv series, movies and ebooks. Aaaaahhh! This is crazy! Can I just hit a reset button for my life so that I can change everything? I don't like what I'm seeing. Well, actually I'm not seeing anything its like total darkness that's what my future will be. I don't get myself anymore. One day I am realizing that oh I wanna work, I'll start to look for a job. Then I found one but then I don't send cvs like wtf is wrong with me. I feel like I'm always afraid of what's to come but then I don't do anything about it and that's insane. Well maybe I am insane I don't know what to do, I wanna turn my life around but then I, myself, am totally pulling me down. I don't want this anymore, actually anything that's about life seriously. Its not that I'm saying I wanna end my shitty life or something but I wanna have the guts to turn my life around. I wanna have a career. I wanna have a life of my own. I don't wanna be dependent to my dad forever.
I think I've had enough thoughts for now. I'll be right back some other day then.
Love,
Dan
